The Eye of the Storm

In my mind's eye I sit in a small, fragile, rotting wooden rowboat with only a single broken paddle.  On the horizon all around I can see a vicious hurricane raging, tearing the sea asunder.  I am in the eye of the storm, a place of calm amidst the chaos.  I know that it is only a matter of time before the tides and winds force me into the maelstrom, so I watch with my heart in my throat, my nerves dancing.

In less than 9 days I get married.  Less than a week ago my car's engine destroyed itself.  My family chose not to attend my wedding and tries to ignore the topic.  I am unemployed with no skills or education.  These are the major stresses of my life at current, each with a multitude of minor stresses and worries within that nibble at my sanity.  Together they form a veritable hurricane of stress, and right now I'm not in a position to do a damned thing about any of it.

I spent a large amount of time in high school and college subscribing to my own version of nihilism, and through that I developed a large degree of apathy.  While limiting, sometimes that apathy is useful.  I've learned that if I can't do anything about a problem at that very moment then I shouldn't waste any time with it.  I apply my apathy and stop caring.  It's an extremely useful talent.

It also has failed me.  I see the storm, and I see that for the next several days I can't do anything to lessen it.  But for the life of me I can't seem to call forth my apathy and ignore it.  Every time I close my eyes I see Wendy and I standing at our wedding altar looking over an empty hall.  I see my car dead on the side of the road, it's replacement engine burst into flames.  I see my family refusing to acknowledge my marriage or life choices.  I see my self living in a cardboard box.  I see the horrors that might be, and I can't shut them out.

I know it's all bullshit.  People will come to the wedding and have fun, my car will work just fine for now, my family will get over it, and I will find work somewhere.  My fears are baseless and irrational, but that doesn't make them any less intimidating.  Each on it's own is a minor thing, but together they are strong.

The storm will pass, with time.  And I will survive.  But that doesn't make the experience any less terrifying.