In my mind's eye I sit in a small, fragile, rotting wooden rowboat with only a single broken paddle. On the horizon all around I can see a vicious hurricane raging, tearing the sea asunder. I am in the eye of the storm, a place of calm amidst the chaos. I know that it is only a matter of time before the tides and winds force me into the maelstrom, so I watch with my heart in my throat, my nerves dancing.
In less than 9 days I get married. Less than a week ago my car's engine destroyed itself. My family chose not to attend my wedding and tries to ignore the topic. I am unemployed with no skills or education. These are the major stresses of my life at current, each with a multitude of minor stresses and worries within that nibble at my sanity. Together they form a veritable hurricane of stress, and right now I'm not in a position to do a damned thing about any of it.
I spent a large amount of time in high school and college subscribing to my own version of nihilism, and through that I developed a large degree of apathy. While limiting, sometimes that apathy is useful. I've learned that if I can't do anything about a problem at that very moment then I shouldn't waste any time with it. I apply my apathy and stop caring. It's an extremely useful talent.
It also has failed me. I see the storm, and I see that for the next several days I can't do anything to lessen it. But for the life of me I can't seem to call forth my apathy and ignore it. Every time I close my eyes I see Wendy and I standing at our wedding altar looking over an empty hall. I see my car dead on the side of the road, it's replacement engine burst into flames. I see my family refusing to acknowledge my marriage or life choices. I see my self living in a cardboard box. I see the horrors that might be, and I can't shut them out.
I know it's all bullshit. People will come to the wedding and have fun, my car will work just fine for now, my family will get over it, and I will find work somewhere. My fears are baseless and irrational, but that doesn't make them any less intimidating. Each on it's own is a minor thing, but together they are strong.
The storm will pass, with time. And I will survive. But that doesn't make the experience any less terrifying.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Rest In Peace, You Beautiful Peice of Shit
I met my car in 2004 at a dealership in Billings. She was a 2001 Hyundai Tiburon, silver, and beautiful. She cost $9400 used, with 56,000 miles on her. She wasn't the fastest car, but she was sexy, easy on the fuel and girls loved her. We drove all over Wyoming, Montana, and even once to Salt Lake City. She never broke down and always started. She got me through snow storms, long nights, love and loss. I may have called her names and treated her like shit most of the time, but I loved that car. She was my car, paid for by my hard earned cash (for the most part), and I thought I'd have her until she rusted to dust.
My Tiburon died on Saturday, October 9th in the Caras Park parking lot. Unless she gets an engine transplant (for cheap) she's probably bound for the junkyard. She will be missed.
My Tiburon died on Saturday, October 9th in the Caras Park parking lot. Unless she gets an engine transplant (for cheap) she's probably bound for the junkyard. She will be missed.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Booze!
I like booze. I don't drink often, and when I do I don't drink much (anymore), but I love booze. Part of it is the escapism of being drunk and part of it is the chemistry of it all. See, I'm a science guy. I love all kinds of sciences, especially chemistry. And booze is just chemistry in action. Someday I'd love to home brew beer, or make my own wine, or even set up a little still. But until I can afford to have such expensive hobbies I've got Spike Your Juice!
I came across this delightful stuff while browsing Gizmodo one day. It's a powdered yeast mixture that you can use at home to turn ordinary grape juice (or whatever kind of juice) into a type of wine based on federweißer, a quick cheap wine made from lesser quality grapes.
Spike Your Juice is cheap, only $10 for a box which contains 6 yeast packets and a rubber stopper with an airlock. You just buy some juice, make sure it's made with real sugar (and enough of it), pour in the powder, seal it up with the airlock (so the carbon dioxide buildup doesn't blow your bottle up), and wait.
So I did. I've got 64 ounces of white grape federweißer fermenting on the counter as we speak. I did a taste test earlier (after 48 hours of fermentation) and while smelling horrid it tasted pretty damn good. Mildly carbonated and still very sweet it probably has a very low ABV so it gets a couple more days to ferment. But all of this got me thinking, and while I was thinking I was enjoying a tasty caffeinated beverage known widely to gamers and nerds: Mountain Dew. Not just any Dew though, it was the very tasty Throwback version with real sugar. I checked the ingredient list, and indeed it is real sugar. Checked the nutritional facts and it has more than enough of the delicious real sugar for the Spike Your Juice to work it's magic.
And if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm going to spike the hell out of some Mountain Dew Throwback. I just need 3.2 bottles, a suitable container, and time. Stay tuned for next week when I brew up a batch of awesomeness. :)
I came across this delightful stuff while browsing Gizmodo one day. It's a powdered yeast mixture that you can use at home to turn ordinary grape juice (or whatever kind of juice) into a type of wine based on federweißer, a quick cheap wine made from lesser quality grapes.
Spike Your Juice is cheap, only $10 for a box which contains 6 yeast packets and a rubber stopper with an airlock. You just buy some juice, make sure it's made with real sugar (and enough of it), pour in the powder, seal it up with the airlock (so the carbon dioxide buildup doesn't blow your bottle up), and wait.
So I did. I've got 64 ounces of white grape federweißer fermenting on the counter as we speak. I did a taste test earlier (after 48 hours of fermentation) and while smelling horrid it tasted pretty damn good. Mildly carbonated and still very sweet it probably has a very low ABV so it gets a couple more days to ferment. But all of this got me thinking, and while I was thinking I was enjoying a tasty caffeinated beverage known widely to gamers and nerds: Mountain Dew. Not just any Dew though, it was the very tasty Throwback version with real sugar. I checked the ingredient list, and indeed it is real sugar. Checked the nutritional facts and it has more than enough of the delicious real sugar for the Spike Your Juice to work it's magic.
And if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm going to spike the hell out of some Mountain Dew Throwback. I just need 3.2 bottles, a suitable container, and time. Stay tuned for next week when I brew up a batch of awesomeness. :)
Fallout Vault Dweller/Lone Wanderer Costume: Part 1
I love Fallout 3. It is a wonderful game full of exploration, awesome sights, great story, bad ass action, and more fun than you can shake a stick at. Since I started playing it I've wanted to do a costume based on it. Unfortunately by the time I think of making a costume for Halloween it's too late and I wouldn't have enough time to finish it. This time, however, I remembered MisCon. MisCon is Montana's biggest, baddest, most awesome (and only) Sci-Fi/Fantasy convention. And it's in May. Plenty of time to plan, gather, and construct a Vault Dweller/Lone Wanderer costume. So on to the details!
In the world of Fallout there are these massive nuclear fallout shelters called Vaults and the citizens of these Vaults wear a distinctive blue and yellow jumpsuit:
This is the base of the costume. A blue coverall/jumpsuit with some yellow bits. However, many Fallout costumes on the net are poorly done. I can't count the number of Vault-Tec jumpsuits I've seen that are just a blue jumpsuit with yellow tape on them. Seriously people? Yellow fucking tape? Another big issue I have with most of them is the font. Most people, even if they use real fabric for the yellow parts, just freehand the shape of the numbers. However, the numbers use a specific, very 1950's style font.
Now, I'm not psycho about the details. I'm not going to custom tailor a jumpsuit to match the game, making sure every last bit is right. What I do want to do right is the big details. The yellow parts are fabric and are obviously stitched on and do not extend around the collar. The numbers are a specific font and are stitched on. The forearms are brown leather. The shoulder has that leather and metal piece. The collar is not a standard jumpsuit/coverall collar. These are the important details that I intend to focus on.
That being said, I probably won't get them perfect. I suck at hand stitching and I've never used a sewing machine. I can't afford leather so I'll probably use a fake leather or just dark brown cloth. I'm not even going to try to make the belt (but I have reasoning behind that). And while every Vault resident has a Pip-Boy, mine probably won't look like the one from the game (and I'll go into detail about that later).
You might be saying "But you made such a stink about accuracy and then you're not going to be accurate, what gives?" Time, money, and skill are what gives. I don't want to half-ass this costume but I'm also not going to be able to make it perfect. What I can do it make it look good, and make it work within the world of Fallout. You see, Fallout takes place in a wonderful, post-apocalyptic, post-nuclear war world. The survivors get by scavenging and making due with what they have. And that, my friends, is my saving grace. My character could have lost his belt and scavenged a new one. His Pip-Boy could have been damaged and then repaired with whatever he had on hand (and maybe it wasn't a model 3000a Pip-Boy to begin with). The jumpsuit will be dirty, ragged, and abused. Fallout is a world of DIY, dumpster diving, and using what you've got. So why not take advantage of that?
The costume will consist of: a Vault-Tec jumpsuit (Vault 101 or 77), belt with holster/storage, 10mm pistol (Nerf Recon), and Pip-Boy. I don't have a budget for the costume, but buying what I can when I can I hope to stay under $150 total. The jumpsuit will probably be around $40-$50 total, the pistol will be around $30-$40, and the Pip-Boy could be anywhere from $20 to $50.
I'll keep you all posted on the status of the costume as it comes together. In the words of Three-Dog, "Thanks for listening, chiiiiildren!"
In the world of Fallout there are these massive nuclear fallout shelters called Vaults and the citizens of these Vaults wear a distinctive blue and yellow jumpsuit:
Now, I'm not psycho about the details. I'm not going to custom tailor a jumpsuit to match the game, making sure every last bit is right. What I do want to do right is the big details. The yellow parts are fabric and are obviously stitched on and do not extend around the collar. The numbers are a specific font and are stitched on. The forearms are brown leather. The shoulder has that leather and metal piece. The collar is not a standard jumpsuit/coverall collar. These are the important details that I intend to focus on.
That being said, I probably won't get them perfect. I suck at hand stitching and I've never used a sewing machine. I can't afford leather so I'll probably use a fake leather or just dark brown cloth. I'm not even going to try to make the belt (but I have reasoning behind that). And while every Vault resident has a Pip-Boy, mine probably won't look like the one from the game (and I'll go into detail about that later).
You might be saying "But you made such a stink about accuracy and then you're not going to be accurate, what gives?" Time, money, and skill are what gives. I don't want to half-ass this costume but I'm also not going to be able to make it perfect. What I can do it make it look good, and make it work within the world of Fallout. You see, Fallout takes place in a wonderful, post-apocalyptic, post-nuclear war world. The survivors get by scavenging and making due with what they have. And that, my friends, is my saving grace. My character could have lost his belt and scavenged a new one. His Pip-Boy could have been damaged and then repaired with whatever he had on hand (and maybe it wasn't a model 3000a Pip-Boy to begin with). The jumpsuit will be dirty, ragged, and abused. Fallout is a world of DIY, dumpster diving, and using what you've got. So why not take advantage of that?
The costume will consist of: a Vault-Tec jumpsuit (Vault 101 or 77), belt with holster/storage, 10mm pistol (Nerf Recon), and Pip-Boy. I don't have a budget for the costume, but buying what I can when I can I hope to stay under $150 total. The jumpsuit will probably be around $40-$50 total, the pistol will be around $30-$40, and the Pip-Boy could be anywhere from $20 to $50.
I'll keep you all posted on the status of the costume as it comes together. In the words of Three-Dog, "Thanks for listening, chiiiiildren!"
Sleep and A Lack There Of
So, for the last week or so I've been sleeping like shit. I lay awake, physically and mentally exhausted yet wide awake. When I do sleep it's only for an hour or two at a time and it's a restless sleep. Physically I'm fine, no bodily issues are keeping me up. Mentally... I'm unsure. I have no major worries that plague my thoughts, no one (or any, really) unanswered questions or stresses. Sure, the wedding is lurking in the back of my mind, but I'm neither worried nor excited about it at the moment. So what the fuck is wrong with me?
My fear is that this period of insomnia is the precursor to an episode of depression. I'd rather not spend the month in a fugue and I know my fiancée would probably feel better if I wasn't all mopey.
Anyways, for now I suppose I'll just continue mindlessly surfing the Internet and watching documentaries on Netflix. I've got to fall asleep downtime, right?
My fear is that this period of insomnia is the precursor to an episode of depression. I'd rather not spend the month in a fugue and I know my fiancée would probably feel better if I wasn't all mopey.
Anyways, for now I suppose I'll just continue mindlessly surfing the Internet and watching documentaries on Netflix. I've got to fall asleep downtime, right?
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Loosing a Level
While I'm on the subject of gaming, I thought I'd talk about the game I ran and the game I want to run.
Not too long ago our Thursday night game's current campaign needed to take an extended hiatus and I decided to step in with a game of my own. Entitled "Go West" it was a fantasy western setting with a quasi-custom rule-set based off of the Star Wars: Saga Edition rules. In my opinion, it was a massive failure.
We only did half of the test adventure I wrote, but that was enough to expose enough flaws in the setting, the rules, and my own ability to GM that I declined to finish it. The players, by all reports, had fun but I did not. And I know exactly why: I'm too inexperienced.
The rules were custom and thus riddled with problems, I was stumbling over myself trying to keep everything straight, I didn't prep for the game very well, and I didn't know what to do when players came up with unexpected actions. That last one was the killing blow.
So I decided that I needed more experience as a GM, but Go West wasn't the direction I needed to go. I needed to step way the fuck back and run something somebody had already written for an established set of rules. I needed a campaign composed of adventure modules. And I have one.
A while back I grabbed a bunch of adventure modules that I like plus a mini-campaign that I've always wanted to play and linked them together. The campaign is called "A Mage's Request" and uses the D&D 3.5 rules but can be easily played with Pathfinder. The Thursday night crew however, was burnt out on fantasy, and I couldn't blame them. With the exception of my fiancee and myself, they all had two other games going and both were fantasy games, and so had been all the recently finished games.
So, "A Mage's Request" got turned down, but I still wanted to play it. Where could I find players, though? Well, why not use my highschool buddies and play online? They seemed keen on the idea, I had all the software needed plus a couple of local players (that I have never played with) to round out the group. My Sunday night game was ready to go!
And then it got left at the altar. My two highschool gaming buddies couldn't find the time, despite telling me that they had the time. So I was left with an internet game and only two local players. And thus the death of "A Mage's Request". I still hope to someday run it so that I can gain some experience as a GM, but I really don't know when that will happen. For now I will continue as the player, a role I love and enjoy, and leave the behind the scenes action to those with the experience and knowledge.
Not too long ago our Thursday night game's current campaign needed to take an extended hiatus and I decided to step in with a game of my own. Entitled "Go West" it was a fantasy western setting with a quasi-custom rule-set based off of the Star Wars: Saga Edition rules. In my opinion, it was a massive failure.
We only did half of the test adventure I wrote, but that was enough to expose enough flaws in the setting, the rules, and my own ability to GM that I declined to finish it. The players, by all reports, had fun but I did not. And I know exactly why: I'm too inexperienced.
The rules were custom and thus riddled with problems, I was stumbling over myself trying to keep everything straight, I didn't prep for the game very well, and I didn't know what to do when players came up with unexpected actions. That last one was the killing blow.
So I decided that I needed more experience as a GM, but Go West wasn't the direction I needed to go. I needed to step way the fuck back and run something somebody had already written for an established set of rules. I needed a campaign composed of adventure modules. And I have one.
A while back I grabbed a bunch of adventure modules that I like plus a mini-campaign that I've always wanted to play and linked them together. The campaign is called "A Mage's Request" and uses the D&D 3.5 rules but can be easily played with Pathfinder. The Thursday night crew however, was burnt out on fantasy, and I couldn't blame them. With the exception of my fiancee and myself, they all had two other games going and both were fantasy games, and so had been all the recently finished games.
So, "A Mage's Request" got turned down, but I still wanted to play it. Where could I find players, though? Well, why not use my highschool buddies and play online? They seemed keen on the idea, I had all the software needed plus a couple of local players (that I have never played with) to round out the group. My Sunday night game was ready to go!
And then it got left at the altar. My two highschool gaming buddies couldn't find the time, despite telling me that they had the time. So I was left with an internet game and only two local players. And thus the death of "A Mage's Request". I still hope to someday run it so that I can gain some experience as a GM, but I really don't know when that will happen. For now I will continue as the player, a role I love and enjoy, and leave the behind the scenes action to those with the experience and knowledge.
Not Wanting to BASH! My Head In
A couple of friends posted analyses of our Thursday night BASH! game and these got me thinking about gaming so I figured I'd toss in my two cents.
Mic is running a 50's style sci-fi adventure with a dark bent that he's basing off of a graphic novel he digs. I'm not sure what the campaign is called (or if it even has a name) so I'll just refer to it as Mic's Game. This is our second BASH! game (or 3rd if you count the one-shot Ryan ran for Wendy and I one night) and I'm starting to get used to the mechanics.
BASH! isn't exactly rocket science (or AD&D 2nd Ed., for which you require mathematics degree to play) but the rules are different enough that I'm still working out what we can do with them. And unlike most games I've played, it encourages loose interpretation and experimentation of the rules. Want to do something cool? I can almost guarantee there's no direct rule for it, you just have to pick the one that fits best and run with it.
This is both awesome and frustrating to me. Awesome in the fact that I can do pretty much whatever the hell I want and not be restricted by "oh well, there's no rule for that, so you can't" and frustrating in that I can't just point to a rule and say "I want to do that." Coming up with creative uses for powers during a game session is difficult for me, I hate losing track of what's happening in the game but I also don't want to take five minutes figuring out what I want to do when it's my turn. When I get more accustomed to the rules this should get easier, but for now it's an issue.
As for Mic's Game I'm playing a psychic named Bob Jones, a former soldier on the run from the government because he didn't want them playing inside his head when they found out he had powers. His real name is Rupert Allen something (don't look at me like that, I can't be expected to remember everything). Bob's powers include telekinesis, mental armor, danger sense, and invisibility. Haven't had a chance to play with his invis yet, but I expect it will come in handy.
There's another psychic in the party, (played by Ben) but he has a different power set and a backstory that should make for some compelling roleplaying later. A master of mind control, Fred is a member of the very government agency Bob is hiding from.
Providing the heavy for the party is Ryan with his power-armored soldier. Concern has been expressed by Ryan about the extreme combat effectiveness of his character, worrying that he might steal all the glory. I trust that Mic has a solution for this, and either way I'm not that worried about it. The very fact that Ryan knows his character is powerful and is concerned about it means that it won't be an issue.
The final member of the party is Buffy the Alien Hunter, played by my dear fiancee, Wendy. What the character lacks in originality Wendy makes up for in enthusiasm. However, the character straight from the book didn't fit Wendy's play style well so we made some mid-game readjustments and made her a bit more combat effective.
So far I'm liking the game and having a lot of fun with it. I think that my character has a lot more potential than the character I played in our previous BASH game, but that probably has more to do with my play style than any defect of the character build. Overall, I continue to be happy with the Thursday night game and hope I get invited to play in other games in the future.
Mic is running a 50's style sci-fi adventure with a dark bent that he's basing off of a graphic novel he digs. I'm not sure what the campaign is called (or if it even has a name) so I'll just refer to it as Mic's Game. This is our second BASH! game (or 3rd if you count the one-shot Ryan ran for Wendy and I one night) and I'm starting to get used to the mechanics.
BASH! isn't exactly rocket science (or AD&D 2nd Ed., for which you require mathematics degree to play) but the rules are different enough that I'm still working out what we can do with them. And unlike most games I've played, it encourages loose interpretation and experimentation of the rules. Want to do something cool? I can almost guarantee there's no direct rule for it, you just have to pick the one that fits best and run with it.
This is both awesome and frustrating to me. Awesome in the fact that I can do pretty much whatever the hell I want and not be restricted by "oh well, there's no rule for that, so you can't" and frustrating in that I can't just point to a rule and say "I want to do that." Coming up with creative uses for powers during a game session is difficult for me, I hate losing track of what's happening in the game but I also don't want to take five minutes figuring out what I want to do when it's my turn. When I get more accustomed to the rules this should get easier, but for now it's an issue.
As for Mic's Game I'm playing a psychic named Bob Jones, a former soldier on the run from the government because he didn't want them playing inside his head when they found out he had powers. His real name is Rupert Allen something (don't look at me like that, I can't be expected to remember everything). Bob's powers include telekinesis, mental armor, danger sense, and invisibility. Haven't had a chance to play with his invis yet, but I expect it will come in handy.
There's another psychic in the party, (played by Ben) but he has a different power set and a backstory that should make for some compelling roleplaying later. A master of mind control, Fred is a member of the very government agency Bob is hiding from.
Providing the heavy for the party is Ryan with his power-armored soldier. Concern has been expressed by Ryan about the extreme combat effectiveness of his character, worrying that he might steal all the glory. I trust that Mic has a solution for this, and either way I'm not that worried about it. The very fact that Ryan knows his character is powerful and is concerned about it means that it won't be an issue.
The final member of the party is Buffy the Alien Hunter, played by my dear fiancee, Wendy. What the character lacks in originality Wendy makes up for in enthusiasm. However, the character straight from the book didn't fit Wendy's play style well so we made some mid-game readjustments and made her a bit more combat effective.
So far I'm liking the game and having a lot of fun with it. I think that my character has a lot more potential than the character I played in our previous BASH game, but that probably has more to do with my play style than any defect of the character build. Overall, I continue to be happy with the Thursday night game and hope I get invited to play in other games in the future.
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