My name's Patrick and I'm an addict. I'm not hooked booze, drugs, or sex (though that last one is debatable). I am hooked on Nerf. Once "the name" in soft foam balls, they have in recent years become really good at producing bright yellow (and sometimes blue) guns that shoot mostly harmless foam darts. These plastic toy guns aren't just for kids, they are the pussy's paintball, the poor man's airsoft, the child-at-heart's war games.
If your blood doesn't start pumping at the idea of running around the park shooting your friends with guns then check your pants, because you have no balls. This applies to the ladies as well (with metaphorical balls). There's something built into the human spirit that loves a good fight, whether it be pistols at dawn, fists in the ring, or words at a rousing debate. We are a competitive, confrontational, and violent species; why not take advantage of it?
You might say "But Nerf is for kids, why not play paintball?" Have you ever been shot with a paintball? It fucking hurts and leaves a big, nasty, painful bruise. It's also expensive, requiring not only pricey guns, gas, and paint but safety equipment as well. I'll pass, thank you. Nerf, on the other hand, is inexpensive (one of the best guns, the Maverick, is only $10) and only hurts if you get popped in the eye, which can be avoided by not aiming for the face and wearing sunglasses.
You've also got the cool factor. Most paintball guns look the same (and aren't exactly cool looking to begin with), while Nerf guns (aside from the ugly yellow/orange color scheme) look neat and have designs that resemble real-life and futuristic guns. Don't like the color? Get some plastic-friendly spray paint and change it, though I recommend keeping the yellow/orange color and avoiding black for safety reasons (cops aren't going to arrest and detain you as a terror suspect for running around with a yellow plastic gun, a black one that looks like a FN P90 or a Dragunov SVD earns you a one way trip to handcuff-ville [though not in a good way]). There's also the cosplay/steampunk aspect. Need a weapon for your custom sci-fi/comic/gaming convention? Grab a cheap ass Nerf gun and paint, cut, glue, mod the hell out of it and you've got a wicked cool looking gun that, if you were careful about it, still shoots orange foam darts.
With recent guns, Nerf has created an addict's hell. The mass implementation of the clip-system, barrel attachments, and removable stocks in addition to their previous tactical rails has opened the guns up to crazy customization. Don't like the short barrel of your Deploy? Grab the barrel extension from the Recon. Want more ammo capacity for your Longstrike or Stampede? Get a Raider and use the 35-round drum magazine. Need a folding stock for your Recon? Wait with baited breath for the Spectre to be released. Each new gun seems to have parts that make the older guns better and cooler.
I only have two Nerf guns at the moment, but that will change in the near future. I may be addicted to Nerf, but at least I've found a relatively cheap and exceptionally fun hobby. :)
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Jealously Jealous of Jealousy
It's crazy how fast words lose their meaning when you repeat them a lot. Anyways, on to the topic at hand.
Jealousy is a hard driving force in our lives, whether you know it or not. A destructive combination of envy, anger, and possessiveness, it dictates how we react to many everyday situations. Like all emotions, it's level of influence varies from person to person as does their level of control over it. We all are capable of it, and we all feel it from time to time. Sometimes it drives us to do some insane things.
I never thought I was a very jealous person, but I was way wrong about that. I also thought it was a simple emotion with simple triggers, thus easy to defeat and reason with. Wrong again. My prime jealousy is a simple one to understand, yet complicated in it's details (which I will not go into). I am jealous of men. More specifically, men other than myself. More specifically than that, men other than myself who have had relationships with my fiancée or who act inappropriately towards her. It's probably the number one thing that comes to mind when one thinks of jealousy, and for good reason, it's probably the single thing most (if not all) people have jealousy about.
I used to go into bouts of intense inner rage and turmoil when I would interact with men whom I know she had been with before, and I nearly punch a gay friend of hers when he grabbed her bottom once (the surprise of the act was the only thing that saved him, I was too taken back to immediately respond, thus had time to realize who he was). However, time and rational thought have calmed my jealousy and I now harbor no ill will towards most of these folks, and provided they keep their hands to themselves there's no quarrel to be had. I still feel jealousy rear it's ugly head every now and then (and if you know what to look for, you can tell when I'm tweaked about it), but I'm glad to have it; it's a motivating force.
Relationship based jealousy is not the only kind, however. Lately I've been contending with another form of jealousy. My dear Wendy has a horrible work schedule, and ends up missing a lot of fun events because of it. I, on the other hand, have a good amount of free time. Back when I had no social life, this wasn't much of an issue, but lately it's starting to become the hot-button issue. She's jealous that I get to go and do fun things with people while she's stuck at work. And that's a completely normal thing to be upset about. I understand where she's coming from and how shitty it feels. So much so that I'm completely willing to not attend these social functions without her. I'm more than willing to make that sacrifice so that she doesn't have to come home to an empty apartment. I shouldn't have to, but I can and will. I only wish I had another solution to the issue, all or nothing is never a good compromise.
Anyways, I'm not really sure where I was going with this whole jealousy thing. I have no solutions, nor anything profound to say on the topic. I mostly wanted to think my way through the situation, and I can do that best by (dis)organizing those thoughts in words. Sometimes I wish I some emotions had toggle switches.
Jealousy is a hard driving force in our lives, whether you know it or not. A destructive combination of envy, anger, and possessiveness, it dictates how we react to many everyday situations. Like all emotions, it's level of influence varies from person to person as does their level of control over it. We all are capable of it, and we all feel it from time to time. Sometimes it drives us to do some insane things.
I never thought I was a very jealous person, but I was way wrong about that. I also thought it was a simple emotion with simple triggers, thus easy to defeat and reason with. Wrong again. My prime jealousy is a simple one to understand, yet complicated in it's details (which I will not go into). I am jealous of men. More specifically, men other than myself. More specifically than that, men other than myself who have had relationships with my fiancée or who act inappropriately towards her. It's probably the number one thing that comes to mind when one thinks of jealousy, and for good reason, it's probably the single thing most (if not all) people have jealousy about.
I used to go into bouts of intense inner rage and turmoil when I would interact with men whom I know she had been with before, and I nearly punch a gay friend of hers when he grabbed her bottom once (the surprise of the act was the only thing that saved him, I was too taken back to immediately respond, thus had time to realize who he was). However, time and rational thought have calmed my jealousy and I now harbor no ill will towards most of these folks, and provided they keep their hands to themselves there's no quarrel to be had. I still feel jealousy rear it's ugly head every now and then (and if you know what to look for, you can tell when I'm tweaked about it), but I'm glad to have it; it's a motivating force.
Relationship based jealousy is not the only kind, however. Lately I've been contending with another form of jealousy. My dear Wendy has a horrible work schedule, and ends up missing a lot of fun events because of it. I, on the other hand, have a good amount of free time. Back when I had no social life, this wasn't much of an issue, but lately it's starting to become the hot-button issue. She's jealous that I get to go and do fun things with people while she's stuck at work. And that's a completely normal thing to be upset about. I understand where she's coming from and how shitty it feels. So much so that I'm completely willing to not attend these social functions without her. I'm more than willing to make that sacrifice so that she doesn't have to come home to an empty apartment. I shouldn't have to, but I can and will. I only wish I had another solution to the issue, all or nothing is never a good compromise.
Anyways, I'm not really sure where I was going with this whole jealousy thing. I have no solutions, nor anything profound to say on the topic. I mostly wanted to think my way through the situation, and I can do that best by (dis)organizing those thoughts in words. Sometimes I wish I some emotions had toggle switches.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
On Getting Married
In just about a month I'll be married.
I never thought that would happen. Ever. Neither did my family or, I imagine, my friends.
Eighteen months ago I was 27, a college drop-out, newly unemployed, only ever had one girlfriend, and a virgin. I lived in a basement apartment and played EverQuest all day. I regularly visited a support group forum for folks in my situation, but I did nothing proactive. I wasn't the happiest dude on the planet, but I was content and knew my place in the world.
Now I'm 28, a college drop-out, still unemployed, engaged, and have had more sex than a man my age could even dream of. I share a nice one bedroom apartment with my fiancée, and apply for jobs/watch Netflix all day. I pop into the old support forums every now and then to chat with the folks I miss chatting with. I thought I was the happiest dude on the planet, but I'm far from content and have no idea of my place in the world.
Don't get me wrong, I love my fiancé more than life itself. I am happy with her, very happy. However it has become apparent that I am more stressed and worried than I ever was. As my mom put it, I used to be all smiles and laughter and now I'm always depressed and serious. What brought this on? I'm happy, I'm in love, I'm finally reached some major goals in life. Why am I not satisfied with that?
The answer lies in my views of what a boyfriend and husband is and should be.
I can't live up to my own expectations, and it's bringing me down. I should be able to provide for her, but I can't. I should be able to treat her like a lady, and I do my best, but I can't do everything. She should never have to worry about anything ever again, but I can't. I'm lazy, selfish, out of shape, and have nothing to offer her. I do what I can to be the boyfriend/husband I need to be, but that's not enough in my eyes. And the wedding isn't helping.
I'm hoping beyond all hope that once the wedding is done and over with that I can relax and be happy. I'm dying from stress and anxiety over it. I need everything to be perfect, to go according to plan, or my world will collapse. Wendy's happiness is my sole concern now, and if she is unhappy for even a moment on her wedding day then I feel I will have failed as her husband. I'd prepare to commit seppuku but that would just upset Wendy even more.
I'm unsure if I'm prepared for the journey ahead of me, but I am very happy to be undertaking it. When I told Wendy last September that I intended to marry her someday, I meant it. I knew then that I loved her and that the love I had experienced in the past was a pale imitation of what I felt with her. I had only known her 3 months when I said those words, but I knew what I had found. It might not have been love at first sight, but it was damn close. I'm scared and nervous and anxious about the wedding, but not about marriage. I might not be the husband I should be, but I know that I'm not perfect and never will be. I've just got to keep on striving to be the best husband I can and never let my wife forget how much I love and care for her.
Until then, I wish I had a xanax or something. This wedding is going to be the death of me.
I never thought that would happen. Ever. Neither did my family or, I imagine, my friends.
Eighteen months ago I was 27, a college drop-out, newly unemployed, only ever had one girlfriend, and a virgin. I lived in a basement apartment and played EverQuest all day. I regularly visited a support group forum for folks in my situation, but I did nothing proactive. I wasn't the happiest dude on the planet, but I was content and knew my place in the world.
Now I'm 28, a college drop-out, still unemployed, engaged, and have had more sex than a man my age could even dream of. I share a nice one bedroom apartment with my fiancée, and apply for jobs/watch Netflix all day. I pop into the old support forums every now and then to chat with the folks I miss chatting with. I thought I was the happiest dude on the planet, but I'm far from content and have no idea of my place in the world.
Don't get me wrong, I love my fiancé more than life itself. I am happy with her, very happy. However it has become apparent that I am more stressed and worried than I ever was. As my mom put it, I used to be all smiles and laughter and now I'm always depressed and serious. What brought this on? I'm happy, I'm in love, I'm finally reached some major goals in life. Why am I not satisfied with that?
The answer lies in my views of what a boyfriend and husband is and should be.
I can't live up to my own expectations, and it's bringing me down. I should be able to provide for her, but I can't. I should be able to treat her like a lady, and I do my best, but I can't do everything. She should never have to worry about anything ever again, but I can't. I'm lazy, selfish, out of shape, and have nothing to offer her. I do what I can to be the boyfriend/husband I need to be, but that's not enough in my eyes. And the wedding isn't helping.
I'm hoping beyond all hope that once the wedding is done and over with that I can relax and be happy. I'm dying from stress and anxiety over it. I need everything to be perfect, to go according to plan, or my world will collapse. Wendy's happiness is my sole concern now, and if she is unhappy for even a moment on her wedding day then I feel I will have failed as her husband. I'd prepare to commit seppuku but that would just upset Wendy even more.
I'm unsure if I'm prepared for the journey ahead of me, but I am very happy to be undertaking it. When I told Wendy last September that I intended to marry her someday, I meant it. I knew then that I loved her and that the love I had experienced in the past was a pale imitation of what I felt with her. I had only known her 3 months when I said those words, but I knew what I had found. It might not have been love at first sight, but it was damn close. I'm scared and nervous and anxious about the wedding, but not about marriage. I might not be the husband I should be, but I know that I'm not perfect and never will be. I've just got to keep on striving to be the best husband I can and never let my wife forget how much I love and care for her.
Until then, I wish I had a xanax or something. This wedding is going to be the death of me.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Strange Dreams
It's been kind of a surreal day.
This morning I had a dream in which I watched a monk in robes spray himself in the eyes with a flammable liquid then light it aflame. If that wasn't a horrifying enough image, the fire quickly went out and the monk reapplied the spray and lit himself up again. Why was he doing this? Because some developers were tearing down the old fancy pants hotel that he used to hold meetings at. I've seen some fucked up things in my life, but it took my dreams to burn the image of a monk with flaming eyes into my brain. It freaked me out so much that I had to get out of bed, I couldn't go back to sleep.
Then later this morning I had brunch with a friend from high school, Dan. I haven't seen Dan in years and he was on his way back home from PAX, so we decided to meet up at Finnegan's. It was really nice talking to him, I haven't had the best of contact with my friends from high school due to a strict policy of just forgetting to call folks. The conversation took my back ten years, and was a little strange in a good way. I tried to convince him to come up in the spring for MisCon 25, so we'll see how that goes.
Other than that, I've just been in this kind of strange head-space where nothing really seems concrete or corporeal. I think my lack of sleep has been keeping me in a waking dream of sorts all day. I did get a little bit of crafting done, though I continued to curse my cordless Dremel for being a nutless piece of shit. All I asked of it was to drill a couple pilot holes and it barely completed the job. I think I put a good cordless drill on our wedding registry (hint, hint). Anyways, now all I need is some wood stain and I'll have a nice spreader bar. I kind of wish I had some brass or copper end caps and bigger eye-bolts, it would look really nice but would require a real drill. I could go on and on (and I did, then edited it out), but I think I'll save that for a special post all of it's own.
Anyways, I'm a little pissed off a the gym right now. Wendy and I tried to go get in some cardio yesterday after she got off work but our key-cards wouldn't open the door. There were other people in there so I know the doors were working just fine, and we're payed up through October so there's no reason why our key-cards shouldn't work. I stopped by today to bitch about it but I couldn't find the attendant on duty. We'll swing by today after work and see if it was just a glitch, but if they don't work again then we're going to have to go in tomorrow and kick in some heads.
Well, I'm out of steam and I'm still operating in this fog of sleepiness so I'll call that the rant of the day. Have a good one.
This morning I had a dream in which I watched a monk in robes spray himself in the eyes with a flammable liquid then light it aflame. If that wasn't a horrifying enough image, the fire quickly went out and the monk reapplied the spray and lit himself up again. Why was he doing this? Because some developers were tearing down the old fancy pants hotel that he used to hold meetings at. I've seen some fucked up things in my life, but it took my dreams to burn the image of a monk with flaming eyes into my brain. It freaked me out so much that I had to get out of bed, I couldn't go back to sleep.
Then later this morning I had brunch with a friend from high school, Dan. I haven't seen Dan in years and he was on his way back home from PAX, so we decided to meet up at Finnegan's. It was really nice talking to him, I haven't had the best of contact with my friends from high school due to a strict policy of just forgetting to call folks. The conversation took my back ten years, and was a little strange in a good way. I tried to convince him to come up in the spring for MisCon 25, so we'll see how that goes.
Other than that, I've just been in this kind of strange head-space where nothing really seems concrete or corporeal. I think my lack of sleep has been keeping me in a waking dream of sorts all day. I did get a little bit of crafting done, though I continued to curse my cordless Dremel for being a nutless piece of shit. All I asked of it was to drill a couple pilot holes and it barely completed the job. I think I put a good cordless drill on our wedding registry (hint, hint). Anyways, now all I need is some wood stain and I'll have a nice spreader bar. I kind of wish I had some brass or copper end caps and bigger eye-bolts, it would look really nice but would require a real drill. I could go on and on (and I did, then edited it out), but I think I'll save that for a special post all of it's own.
Anyways, I'm a little pissed off a the gym right now. Wendy and I tried to go get in some cardio yesterday after she got off work but our key-cards wouldn't open the door. There were other people in there so I know the doors were working just fine, and we're payed up through October so there's no reason why our key-cards shouldn't work. I stopped by today to bitch about it but I couldn't find the attendant on duty. We'll swing by today after work and see if it was just a glitch, but if they don't work again then we're going to have to go in tomorrow and kick in some heads.
Well, I'm out of steam and I'm still operating in this fog of sleepiness so I'll call that the rant of the day. Have a good one.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Anthem of the Day: Aphex Twin - Come to Daddy
I love this song, and for some reason it feels appropriate today. :)
The First Steps
My thoughts are scrambled, incoherent, a jumble of mixed and matched ideas, words, visions, experiences, memories, hopes, fears, daydreams, nightmares, and utter shit. If you can follow this stream of mental debris with any semblance of understanding then I congratulate you.
These are my first steps in a wild and new direction in life. I'm 28, weeks from being married, unemployed, and for the first time in my life, hopeful and optimistic about the paths that lie ahead. Previous wandering have been confined to the darkness of my own dreary existence, limited by fear and lack of imagination. Today the sun has risen and shown me a world without paths worn in the soil by my own feet. I looked out upon a wide landscape with fields of green grass, tall trees, majestic mountains, and clear skies. The dark and rocky places of the past are still around, littered like the ruins of war, but they no longer dominate the world. The going won't always be easy, and in fact I expect it to be the most difficult journey of my life.
I have with me a companion, a kindred soul who sees what I see (albeit from her own unique perspective) and shares my excitement and trepidation about the voyage ahead. I love my travel companion, my friend, my wife. With her help, this once desolate world is now populated no longer with ghosts and phantoms, but souls made whole by familiarity and friendship. These kind faces dot the paths yet to be, way-stations on the road, words of encouragement and hope on their lips and helpful hands to guide us.
I hope to learn many things in my adventures, and get to know a few of my demons. Conquering them is impossible, you cannot defeat yourself, but learning to use them and ignore their influence is possible. I name them Fear, Jealousy, Selfishness, Ignorance, and Bob.
Sorry about that, I realized I was getting way to into the "journey" metaphor and had to break free somehow. Anyways, I made this blog so that I had someplace to expand upon my thoughts that wouldn't force them down other people's throats. When I post things on Facebook and Twitter people are forced to read them, it's right there in front of them. I don't like to force anybody to deal with my rambling, emotional ass so I decided the blog was the way to go. Now nobody has to read this drivel unless they wish to, and if they don't like it then they have nobody to blame but themselves and are welcome to not return in the future.
Besides, Facebook limits how much I can rant, and Twitter even more so (though it's amazing how expressive that 140 character limit allows you to be, it's almost preferable to Facebook's 400-something).
Why not just keep an offline journal or diary? Because writing something that nobody is supposed to read seems very counterproductive. I've never written a journal that I never wanted anybody to read. Pouring emotions and ideas into words that you don't intend to share is a waste. If you're going to do that, you might as well keep them in your head or never save them. Every idea, every emotion, is an important part of you. It's a reflection of the world through your experience, and that reflection should be shared. Not enough people take the moment to shift their perspective to that of some one else, to see the world through the eyes of another. Not bothering to view things from an alternate perspective is akin to poking your own eye out. In that spirit, I intend to share my words.
A warning: sex and sexuality are big topics in my life, and I'd like to discuss them openly and freely. Sometimes it will be intelligent discussions, other times it will be vulgar bragging. For a person who is supposedly intelligent I can be very crass, though I will try not to be.
I think that about wraps it up for the moment. I hope this lengthly wall of text hasn't bored you too much. Thank you for reading. :)
These are my first steps in a wild and new direction in life. I'm 28, weeks from being married, unemployed, and for the first time in my life, hopeful and optimistic about the paths that lie ahead. Previous wandering have been confined to the darkness of my own dreary existence, limited by fear and lack of imagination. Today the sun has risen and shown me a world without paths worn in the soil by my own feet. I looked out upon a wide landscape with fields of green grass, tall trees, majestic mountains, and clear skies. The dark and rocky places of the past are still around, littered like the ruins of war, but they no longer dominate the world. The going won't always be easy, and in fact I expect it to be the most difficult journey of my life.
I have with me a companion, a kindred soul who sees what I see (albeit from her own unique perspective) and shares my excitement and trepidation about the voyage ahead. I love my travel companion, my friend, my wife. With her help, this once desolate world is now populated no longer with ghosts and phantoms, but souls made whole by familiarity and friendship. These kind faces dot the paths yet to be, way-stations on the road, words of encouragement and hope on their lips and helpful hands to guide us.
I hope to learn many things in my adventures, and get to know a few of my demons. Conquering them is impossible, you cannot defeat yourself, but learning to use them and ignore their influence is possible. I name them Fear, Jealousy, Selfishness, Ignorance, and Bob.
Sorry about that, I realized I was getting way to into the "journey" metaphor and had to break free somehow. Anyways, I made this blog so that I had someplace to expand upon my thoughts that wouldn't force them down other people's throats. When I post things on Facebook and Twitter people are forced to read them, it's right there in front of them. I don't like to force anybody to deal with my rambling, emotional ass so I decided the blog was the way to go. Now nobody has to read this drivel unless they wish to, and if they don't like it then they have nobody to blame but themselves and are welcome to not return in the future.
Besides, Facebook limits how much I can rant, and Twitter even more so (though it's amazing how expressive that 140 character limit allows you to be, it's almost preferable to Facebook's 400-something).
Why not just keep an offline journal or diary? Because writing something that nobody is supposed to read seems very counterproductive. I've never written a journal that I never wanted anybody to read. Pouring emotions and ideas into words that you don't intend to share is a waste. If you're going to do that, you might as well keep them in your head or never save them. Every idea, every emotion, is an important part of you. It's a reflection of the world through your experience, and that reflection should be shared. Not enough people take the moment to shift their perspective to that of some one else, to see the world through the eyes of another. Not bothering to view things from an alternate perspective is akin to poking your own eye out. In that spirit, I intend to share my words.
A warning: sex and sexuality are big topics in my life, and I'd like to discuss them openly and freely. Sometimes it will be intelligent discussions, other times it will be vulgar bragging. For a person who is supposedly intelligent I can be very crass, though I will try not to be.
I think that about wraps it up for the moment. I hope this lengthly wall of text hasn't bored you too much. Thank you for reading. :)
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