The First Steps

My thoughts are scrambled, incoherent, a jumble of mixed and matched ideas, words, visions, experiences, memories, hopes, fears, daydreams, nightmares, and utter shit.  If you can follow this stream of mental debris with any semblance of understanding then I congratulate you.

These are my first steps in a wild and new direction in life.  I'm 28, weeks from being married, unemployed, and for the first time in my life, hopeful and optimistic about the paths that lie ahead.  Previous wandering have been confined to the darkness of my own dreary existence, limited by fear and lack of imagination.  Today the sun has risen and shown me a world without paths worn in the soil by my own feet.  I looked out upon a wide landscape with fields of green grass, tall trees, majestic mountains, and clear skies.  The dark and rocky places of the past are still around, littered like the ruins of war, but they no longer dominate the world.  The going won't always be easy, and in fact I expect it to be the most difficult journey of my life.

I have with me a companion, a kindred soul who sees what I see (albeit from her own unique perspective) and shares my excitement and trepidation about the voyage ahead.  I love my travel companion, my friend, my wife.  With her help, this once desolate world is now populated no longer with ghosts and phantoms, but souls made whole by familiarity and friendship.  These kind faces dot the paths yet to be, way-stations on the road, words of encouragement and hope on their lips and helpful hands to guide us.

I hope to learn many things in my adventures, and get to know a few of my demons.  Conquering them is impossible, you cannot defeat yourself, but learning to use them and ignore their influence is possible.  I name them Fear, Jealousy, Selfishness, Ignorance, and Bob.

Sorry about that, I realized I was getting way to into the "journey" metaphor and had to break free somehow.  Anyways, I made this blog so that I had someplace to expand upon my thoughts that wouldn't force them down other people's throats.  When I post things on Facebook and Twitter people are forced to read them, it's right there in front of them.  I don't like to force anybody to deal with my rambling, emotional ass so I decided the blog was the way to go.  Now nobody has to read this drivel unless they wish to, and if they don't like it then they have nobody to blame but themselves and are welcome to not return in the future.

Besides, Facebook limits how much I can rant, and Twitter even more so (though it's amazing how expressive that 140 character limit allows you to be, it's almost preferable to Facebook's 400-something).

Why not just keep an offline journal or diary?  Because writing something that nobody is supposed to read seems very counterproductive.  I've never written a journal that I never wanted anybody to read.  Pouring emotions and ideas into words that you don't intend to share is a waste.  If you're going to do that, you might as well keep them in your head or never save them.  Every idea, every emotion, is an important part of you.  It's a reflection of the world through your experience, and that reflection should be shared.  Not enough people take the moment to shift their perspective to that of some one else, to see the world through the eyes of another.  Not bothering to view things from an alternate perspective is akin to poking your own eye out.  In that spirit, I intend to share my words.

A warning: sex and sexuality are big topics in my life, and I'd like to discuss them openly and freely.  Sometimes it will be intelligent discussions, other times it will be vulgar bragging.  For a person who is supposedly intelligent I can be very crass, though I will try not to be.

I think that about wraps it up for the moment.  I hope this lengthly wall of text hasn't bored you too much.  Thank you for reading.  :)