On Getting Married

In just about a month I'll be married.

I never thought that would happen.  Ever.  Neither did my family or, I imagine, my friends.

Eighteen months ago I was 27, a college drop-out, newly unemployed, only ever had one girlfriend, and a virgin. I lived in a basement apartment and played EverQuest all day.  I regularly visited a support group forum for folks in my situation, but I did nothing proactive.  I wasn't the happiest dude on the planet, but I was content and knew my place in the world.

Now I'm 28, a college drop-out, still unemployed, engaged, and have had more sex than a man my age could even dream of.  I share a nice one bedroom apartment with my fiancée, and apply for jobs/watch Netflix all day.  I pop into the old support forums every now and then to chat with the folks I miss chatting with.  I thought I was the happiest dude on the planet, but I'm far from content and have no idea of my place in the world.

Don't get me wrong, I love my fiancé more than life itself.  I am happy with her, very happy.  However it has become apparent that I am more stressed and worried than I ever was.  As my mom put it, I used to be all smiles and laughter and now I'm always depressed and serious.  What brought this on?  I'm happy, I'm in love, I'm finally reached some major goals in life.  Why am I not satisfied with that?

The answer lies in my views of what a boyfriend and husband is and should be.

I can't live up to my own expectations, and it's bringing me down.  I should be able to provide for her, but I can't.  I should be able to treat her like a lady, and I do my best, but I can't do everything.  She should never have to worry about anything ever again, but I can't.  I'm lazy, selfish, out of shape, and have nothing to offer her.  I do what I can to be the boyfriend/husband I need to be, but that's not enough in my eyes.  And the wedding isn't helping.

I'm hoping beyond all hope that once the wedding is done and over with that I can relax and be happy.  I'm dying from stress and anxiety over it.  I need everything to be perfect, to go according to plan, or my world will collapse.  Wendy's happiness is my sole concern now, and if she is unhappy for even a moment on her wedding day then I feel I will have failed as her husband.  I'd prepare to commit seppuku but that would just upset Wendy even more.

I'm unsure if I'm prepared for the journey ahead of me, but I am very happy to be undertaking it.  When I told Wendy last September that I intended to marry her someday, I meant it.  I knew then that I loved her and that the love I had experienced in the past was a pale imitation of what I felt with her.  I had only known her 3 months when I said those words, but I knew what I had found.  It might not have been love at first sight, but it was damn close.  I'm scared and nervous and anxious about the wedding, but not about marriage.  I might not be the husband I should be, but I know that I'm not perfect and never will be.  I've just got to keep on striving to be the best husband I can and never let my wife forget how much I love and care for her.

Until then, I wish I had a xanax or something.  This wedding is going to be the death of me.