Be Thankful

Yeah, it's on of those "Thanksgiving posts".  Deal with it.

I've always been pretty thankful for what I've had in life, even if I couldn't fully appreciate or even truly know what I had.  This Thanksgiving is different, I've got a lot to be thankful for (as usual), but the scope of it is enormous.

I'm thankful for my employer and the friend who helped me get the job.  You've improved my life immeasurably, giving me not only an income but something to channel my energy into.  I also have a lot less stress in my life now that I know where my next meal is coming from (aside from my wife's generosity).

I'm thankful for my sister and niece who have always been there for me, even at their own expense.  I will never be able to repay them for their kindness, support and generosity.  Seriously though, I know the approximate dollar figure and I probably will never be able to pay it back.

I'm thankful for my parents who, despite their prejudices, attended my heathen wedding.  While we almost never see eye to eye, they've always been there to catch me when I fall and remind me that while my head is in the clouds (or up my ass, according to my dad) I should keep my feet firmly on the ground.

I'm thankful for my internet friends who helped me when they had no reason to, other than a shared situation.  Your insight and words helped me find happiness.

I'm thankful for my Missoula friends for being my friends and not dismissing me as just "Wendy's boyfriend".  I don't make friends easily and it's nice to have them.  Your continued tolerance of my stupidity and immaturity astounds me, and I thank you for that.

Most of all I'm thankful to my wife, Wendy.  You found me when I was at my lowest, heaviest, poorest, and most pathetic yet still found something to love.  You became my first and best friend in this new and foreign place, showed me that somebody could love me for who I am.  You gave me a home when I was homeless, food when I was hungry, and companionship when I was lonely.  You agreed to marry me despite the fact I had nothing to offer you but my love.  I owe you my life, in more ways than one.  Thank you, for everything.

This Thanksgiving I'm a very thankful man, and you should be too.  Take a good hard look at your life and you'll agree, we all have a lot to be thankful for.  :)

Wedding Bells

We got married.  I am a married man.

Nothing feels different and I don't expect it to.  I'm really happy, she's really happy, and we're happy together.  The whole thing doesn't seem real, it looks odd to see my last name on her Facebook account, and having a ring on my finger feels strange, but that's it.  I expect the adjustment will happen slowly and without notice.  I'll probably goof up and call her my fiancee a couple of times, but that will go away in a week or so and I'll probably get used to the ring in a few days.  The name thing will be odd for a while just because changing a name is a process that takes time and has to be repeated everywhere.  It's probably a million times more odd for her.  I can't imagine what it must be like learning to sign a new last name.

I don't have a whole lot to say about the matter.  Now that it's done and over with it's time to get back to business as usual.  Kind of.

Hopefully I'll have a job soon and we can get a bigger apartment (and maybe a new car in a year or so), then maybe we can discuss things like dogs and kids.  We're both a little old for children, but I'd still like to try.

I've been committed to this woman for over a year now, so that hasn't changed.  If anything it's a safeguard to keep me from running from my problems, though I haven't done that in a while either.

I wish I knew if it changed anything for her, if any new expectations or feelings have appeared.  I expect things like that will take time to discover for both of us.  The important thing is that the core of our relationships remains the same, we were both completely honest and ourselves before and will continue to be.

I've never been happier in my entire life.  I have someone to love and who loves me, I have a partner in crime and best friend, and I have a whole lifetime ahead of me with her.  My only regret is that I didn't find her (or she find me) sooner.  :)

Jealously Jealous of Jealousy

It's crazy how fast words lose their meaning when you repeat them a lot.  Anyways, on to the topic at hand.

Jealousy is a hard driving force in our lives, whether you know it or not.  A destructive combination of envy, anger, and possessiveness, it dictates how we react to many everyday situations.  Like all emotions, it's level of influence varies from person to person as does their level of control over it.  We all are capable of it, and we all feel it from time to time.  Sometimes it drives us to do some insane things.

 I never thought I was a very jealous person, but I was way wrong about that.  I also thought it was a simple emotion with simple triggers, thus easy to defeat and reason with.  Wrong again.  My prime jealousy is a simple one to understand, yet complicated in it's details (which I will not go into).  I am jealous of men.  More specifically, men other than myself.  More specifically than that, men other than myself who have had relationships with my fiancée or who act inappropriately towards her.  It's probably the number one thing that comes to mind when one thinks of jealousy, and for good reason, it's probably the single thing most (if not all) people have jealousy about.

I used to go into bouts of intense inner rage and turmoil when I would interact with men whom I know she had been with before, and I nearly punch a gay friend of hers when he grabbed her bottom once (the surprise of the act was the only thing that saved him, I was too taken back to immediately respond, thus had time to realize who he was).  However, time and rational thought have calmed my jealousy and I now harbor no ill will towards most of these folks, and provided they keep their hands to themselves there's no quarrel to be had.  I still feel jealousy rear it's ugly head every now and then (and if you know what to look for, you can tell when I'm tweaked about it), but I'm glad to have it; it's a motivating force.

Relationship based jealousy is not the only kind, however.  Lately I've been contending with another form of jealousy.  My dear Wendy has a horrible work schedule, and ends up missing a lot of fun events because of it.  I, on the other hand, have a good amount of free time.  Back when I had no social life, this wasn't much of an issue, but lately it's starting to become the hot-button issue.  She's jealous that I get to go and do fun things with people while she's stuck at work.  And that's a completely normal thing to be upset about.  I understand where she's coming from and how shitty it feels.  So much so that I'm completely willing to not attend these social functions without her.  I'm more than willing to make that sacrifice so that she doesn't have to come home to an empty apartment.  I shouldn't have to, but I can and will.  I only wish I had another solution to the issue, all or nothing is never a good compromise.

Anyways, I'm not really sure where I was going with this whole jealousy thing.  I have no solutions, nor anything profound to say on the topic.  I mostly wanted to think my way through the situation, and I can do that best by (dis)organizing those thoughts in words.  Sometimes I wish I some emotions had toggle switches.