I haven't posted in a long while, but that hasn't been for lack of things going on. Today I'm here to voice some personal feelings on a personal issue, mostly just to get them out of my head.
My wife and I decided we'd like to try and have a kid shortly after we got married (about 5 months ago). Knowing that she had some previous medical issues that could raise problems we consulted a doctor. And that doctor refereed us to another doctor who referred me to another doctor. A sperm doctor. And it turns out that I don't have any.
Sperm, that is, not doctors. I'm sterile, seedless, infertile.
We had planned for most eventualities, and not having a kid was one of them. And logically, the pros and cons of having a kid versus not having one all evened out, so there's not too much lost.
Except my manhood. And I feel very silly for saying that, but it's true.
I never had any concept of myself as a manly man, I never had any manly pride until I met Wendy. She gave me a reason to feel proud, to be a man, and to be proud of being a man. Eventually that manly pride became overwhelming and I cut it back, put myself in place, trimmed shit up all nice and neat. However, this event has shown me that I still have a large degree of that silly pride, and it's now wounded. I feel like less of a man, like an incomplete person. Can't be too tough if your gun's loaded with blanks, know what I mean?
And it's all very fucking silly. Of all the shit I could be upset with about in my life, I'm dragged into depression over not being able to have kids.
That hurts more than I'd like to admit.
I wanted a child of my own. I wanted to give my wife a child. I wanted (and here's more of that stupid manly pride) to give my father an heir. I wanted to prove myself as a father, raise a good child who would go on to be happy and bring others happiness. And now I can't, most likely.
In the end, there's still the urologist. The problem might be fixable, and I shouldn't be this fucked up over it.
But I am.
